[sleep in heavenly peace]

Christmas Eve Day(weird I know)....

I had a rather uneventful day during the Night Before Christmas...did some last minute shopping, deposited my check, and got myself some coffee so I could sip while sitting in holiday traffic and think....and think...and think

I thought to myself...it doesn't "feel" like Christmas....I don't know if its because of the lack of presents under the tree, or the lack of parties or family get togethers we'd be having, or if I just wasn't in the mood...

When I got home, it didnt "feel" at all like Christmas. Mom just got home from work, No food was cooking because we resorted to ordering Chinese food, and no cookies baking in the oven... and Bella pee'd on the wrong towel again, so I accidentally stepped in it, and the dishes weren't done so Mom was complaining, and etc... felt like every other day. The Christmas tree wasn't lit and the house was silent...no Christmas music...have I, and my family, become immune to the Christmas spirit?

As I got ready to go to Christmas church service alone(like every year), I thought to myself "Everyone's going to be staring at me because everyone brought their families and I came alone" and  what would I say if they ask what I'm doing next year because I graduate in may? or what would I say if they ask if I have a girlfriend? I feel like I'd be lying or saying "things are alright" when things aren't...I definitely wasn't in the mood and I really wasn't having it.

The Christmas music was....rather traditional(Bleh), and there were wrong notes flying around, and me being the musical snob I am, twitched and winced at every off-key and dissonant sound played... this just wasn't my day..

It was Pastor Bill's message that made me really think though, that I had made Christmas(once again) about how I felt and rather what the true message of Christmas was. He dedicated his message to the idea of Christ coming to bring heavenly "paz" or Peace to this world. Pastor Bill distinguished Earthly peace, which is the peace and happiness and satisfaction that the world provides for us, versus the Heavenly  "true " peace that God provides for us. God was brought down in human form to live with us and take on our sins and die as a sacrifice for those sins in order that we may experience true peace... That when we are troubled, confused, angry, scared, alone, depressed, anxious, fearful, and struggling, we can realize that the battle has been paid and that God has done the difficult work in order to provide us with peace in our hearts, knowing that "It has been done". He mentioned that in "Silent Night" it mentions "sleep in heavenly peace" which really refers to the peace God provided for us when he brought Jesus down, as we now have heavenly peace...

I had never been so at peace with life, with the world and with my self, knowing that the true spirit of Christmas was that Jesus came down on Earth to provide peace to all men. And while I have heard this so many years and in so many ways--"Dona Nobis Pacem" etc, I really understood what peace means as I too am struggling with many of these fears and anxiety and struggles... I needed to be reminded of the significance of Jesus coming down from Heaven in human form--which was to provide us peace....

I hope that you all can understand this true Peace that God has provided for us this Christmas and for the last 2009 years... and feel at peace...

Merry Christmas!

[bigger than fear]

The last few days have been....very.... I don't how to say this, but "laissez-faire" and I've been pretty much going solo... and I'm not complaining about it or anything, in fact I think I'm okay with it.... Gasp.... I know right? Aside from shopping with Nicole for a couple of hours and going to get dinner and watch Avatar with the crew, Ive been just chillin alone since I got here Sat.  I guess Im trying to get myself ready for the Winter Session ahead.... where i'll be pretty much alone for 7 weeks... seeing friends like at nights or weekends but busy with work, class, internship, and teaching guard....hopefully I'll fit some hang out time in there.... but it seems dismal.

It hasn't really hit me yet that I'll be gone from my friends for 7 weeks or that I'll be limited to about 3 hours a week to hanging with them. Maybe its because I'll be going to Urbana with Dan and Lauren and other good friends in 2 days(thats a whole 'nother blog... I'm pretty excited), and thats for 5 days and the notion of that is taking the focus away from winter session. But I'm a social person and I thrive off of interaction and I'm thinking this is another way of God  "giving and taking away". Maybe its another way of saying 'I will give you good things and sometimes I have to take it away because you start to rely on them rather than relying on me'... I don't know but maybe I'll truly know how it is when I start in about a week and a half--and then I'll let you know.

But while I was running my errands and going to the gym, I was listening to the Christian radio station (corny I know, but I guess I needed my fix), and listening to a little segment about how God was working in people. This 12  year old kid who was a social introvert and who had panic attacks at school because of all the people had been changed by God. He was doing a project about the underground railroad and he became passionate about slavery and injustice. He then realized that today there were many more slaves in the world than back in the days of antebellum slavery so he decided to try and raise money to fight slavery in this world. He called it "Loose Change for Loosening Chains"....and he was invited to go to a huge Christian music festival and speak in front of the crowds...as he got up to the podium he started to have a panic attack and told his mom "I cant do this" and his mom said "You don't have to." And then he thought.. "Slavery is such an important thing  and this cause is important and if I dont say anything then who will?"...and slowly he realized what he had to do. He got to the podium and God met him at the microphone, took away all his fears and allowed God to work in him up there....Since then, his passion for God and getting rid of injustice has taken his fear of public speaking away from him.

I was really touched by this..... how something "bigger than fear" allowed for him to conquer fear.... he realized that this cause--this endeavor to get rid of slavery--was bigger than his fear of public speaking and so he let God take control and conquer that fear. Well we all have many fears in this world, whether it be public speaking, or being alone, or being ostracized, or being different or being hated, or (fill in your own fears).... but God is bigger than those fears and God will meet you at your darkest points or the places where you've come to fear the most and conquer them....  only if you know he is bigger and you know that with his help, you are bigger than your fear.

I just thought that I would share that with you as I am struggling with fears of my own...fear of my future, fear of being alone, fear of not succeeding....Im not saying I truly have conquered these fears but this is where I need to believe that God is bigger and stronger and that with his help I too can be... I pray that this New Year, I could become bigger and stronger than my fears, to realize that God has me and that I can go on with life with my head held high and not "hoping" for the best but "knowing" its for the best.


Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4 New International Version Bible

---

The LORD is my light and my salvation
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1 New International Version Bible

[thinking some more]

"Wherever the soul turns, unless it turns to YOU [God], it clings to sorrow itself. World is filled with beautfiul creations. So even tho it clings to things of beauty, if their beauty is outside God, it only clings to sorrow."

a lot has happened since my last post--school's over for the semester and the last few days were interesting to say the least...I don't know how some stuff happened, but they just did... and there's no turning back i guess

I swear, Dan and I were the last kids on campus--after rolling out and saying our goodbyes, we headed over to the mall with our friends, decided to stay over despite the crazy blizzard coming, and to wake up with about 5 inches of snow(at least) on the ground...the drive to Philly was definitely a 3 hour sleigh ride and I wouldn't do it again for the life of me... although it did give me time to think, reflect of this crazy semester, pray, and see where I needed forgiveness ...it was then I decided I needed a change in my life...

dropped dan off, drove to a snowless nj, only to relive the entire blizzard all over again--since then I've slept prior to 11 each night(with the exception of tonight) and woke up at 9AM-the most sleep ive gotten in years.. and was able to shop and catch up with friends

but with all of my time relaxing and thinking to my self, I've realized that whatever temporary pleasure this world has to offer me... the beauty of this world, the people, and places, and the things... it is nothing compared to the love and forgiveness that God has provided and for the Heaven that God has in store for us...and that I need to realize these things before I become tempted to the things of this world and to fulfill my Earthly desires...

if only I had thought about this last week....if only..

[taking some time to think]

every body makes mistakes....
some worse than others...
I just thought I wasn't gonna ever make any mistakes in the "worse" category
I thought I wasn't like any of "those" people who did "those" things...
I held a sense of pride in my "purity"...
So now that those mistakes happened what now?
Am I tainted? Am I unforgivable?

I ran away from my room last night trying to find some time alone to cry and think, but thankfully a friend came by and told me to come back and stay over to talk and rest... I needed that. I definitely needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay, that I needed prayer, forgiveness, and to change...

Because there is "Now no condemnation in those who are in Jesus Christ."--Romans 8:1....despite the mistakes I do and feel guilt for.... the battle is already won...and I am forgiven.

I don't know how much I can truly forgive myself, but falling short of it means I don't fully trust God in his forgiveness for me. But I need to really think and pray about what I did, and see how far from perfect I am from God, and ask God to bring me back to him...because what I did in my eyes is Far from forgivable.

And for you who helped me, not trying to call you out, so I wont say names, and I know that its weird to say this to you in person....But just want to thank you for helping me out, you know who you are...I don't know what I would do without a friend like you. Thank you for not judging me, for taking me in, and for still being my friend whenever I didn't deserve your friendship. I thank God for you every day... I really don't know where I would be right now without your support and help. I know my cry for help came at a bad time with finals and such... but you made time to help me out.

Thank you... i'll write more later....

Just thinking

[things aren't the way they should be]

these last few days...
I dont even know whats going on....

All I know is that I feel a new person has taken over me, and its not for the better... I've been giving in to temptation and sin and doing things purely for my own pleasure...As a result I almost lost my job and my only source of money to pay for the huge debt I've incurred from my irresponsible spending habits. I've been going through internal struggles of doing right from wrong, and self control in many aspects of my life....Satan is just bogging me down with trial and temptation, one after the other....and in many times I've failed and given up.....And that is what I feel most guilty of.

I really don't know where this new Marc came from and why he's plagued someone who used to have good morals, a good sense of self control, and one who did not give in to temptation so easily... I need You to bring me back to where I belong...

Lord, just be with me during this hard time, to be my stronghold when I am weak and tempted. Lord, help me realize that you are all I need, not any of these worldly pleasures to satisfy me....so that I do not give in to worldly temptation in order to look for temporary happiness. I feel lost and confused, trampled and pushed--give me your fire to seek you in every part of my life, that I may do things in your name as a result of your eternal gift of salvation.

I need you...

Spending Money like its my job.....

So this year, I vowed to control my spending habits as they were totally out of control last year.... that totally went out the window these passed two weeks! First it was the new MacBook pro that I had to buy b/c of my older laptop dying on me...then when I got back to NJ, I couldnt resist all the sales! So as a result of my spending here's what I've got: new Dunks, a new phone, and Ipod Touch, Car repaired, an external hard drive, a new winter jacket, two new jeans and a bunch of sweats hoodies and nice winter shirts. Seriously what am I doing? I neeed to stop...Is there a shopaholics anonymous anywhere or something?

Off to Barnes and Nobles!

Thankful

I know this post is probably extremely cliche... but after my long, crazy ride home yesterday, I think that I have a lot to be thankful for... Long story short, As Jemar and I were driving Dan home to Philadelphia, my car decided to crap out on me. We got stuck in Philly for a couple of hours figuring out what we should do, as Jemar and I worried whether we were gonna make it home at all that night... after some deliberation, and trusting our gut instinct, we decided it best to try and take the 2 hour drive to Hackensack, NJ trusting that God would bring us home safely. This was probably the most frightening ride back home, because the car wouldn't stop rattling, wouldnt go over 55 mph without shaking, especially on steep hills, which I learned that North Jersey and Hackensack has A LOT of....

Anyways at approx. 1:02 we arrived at home, the Car barely alive... and I am thankful that God got us home safely. I am thankful for the Schroeder's for being so good to us and helping us out. I am thankful for my car "Rider"(thats his name), for holding on just a few more miles and getting us home.

I am thankful for my amazing friendships that I have made recently and the ones that have gotten closer. I've prayed all my life for friends like you, and its nice to know that I have friends to rant to whenever I have crap to deal with and that they can come to me freely and do the same. I am thankful for the fact that you have to deal with my crap sometimes and yet you still care. And I know you deal with A LOT of crap.

I am thankful for my family, that even when Im a handful, you guys still support me and Love me. I know Im not perfect but its nice to know you dont expect perfection.

I am thankful for God.... for Loving me and keeping me strong despite the wreck and mess of a human being I am. Thank you for giving me grace and salvation when I don't deserve it at all. Thank you for seeing me as I am, imperfect--and yet loving me so much to die for me... in order that I may live with you forever...

Thank you that despite the hardships I have, you provide...Thank you for providing me with friends and family to keep me from being alone. Thank you for giving me struggles and trials, as they help me persevere in life and allow me to develop my trust in you.

Marc

What Do I Know of Holy (cover)

Watch/Listen this song that Dan and I recorded recently. Its called "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road!








I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

House Hunting

So I spent today HOUSE HUNTING because I didnt have any classes and pretty much napped all day(good times). Im getting somewhat excited about this housing situation for next year as I'll be living with my best friends and hopefully with a dog or cat(or both). I contacted a bunch of landlords and got in touch with them. It's definitely make me feel older, not to mention the mustache/beard I've developed from not shaving for the last 3 weeks(due to the Phillies Shaveless Playoffs). Speaking of the Phillies, did anyone see that crazy game last night?! Anyways, I hope to check out these houses in the next few days so I can apply for one soon.

So things have been crazy lately. Life has just been different the last two weeks with friendships and such--and its definitely amazing, I must say, but definitely different and crazy at the same time. I'll just leave it at that. Nicole, one of my best friends from home, came to visit this weekend and got to meet Dan and all my other good friends from here, so that was great to see my old friends and new friends intermingle. I definitely need to have that happen more soon. But things are going well with friends stuff--of course it is without some kind of drama, but what is life with out such things! We're living and learning each day, and thats what counts I guess.

This sleeping in thing is new to me and I like it. Dan, Katie K and I hung out in the lounge till 6Am this morning when we shoulda been studying hah. But we had lots of Caffeine and little sleep, so thats definitely a recipe for disaster. Thank goodness I didnt have class today so I slept in.

I just hope this ability to sleep isnt temporary. Its definitely a sign that Im getting better with things in life and I'm hopefully leaving my depression state.. its a good feeling!

Marc

And for the first time, I know, I'll be okay

Last night was amazing. We had InterVarsity Large Group on wednesday because of UD's fall break(AKA just another 3 day weekend) this upcoming Friday. It was great because I got to see lots of my friends that I hung out with during the retreat this past weekend. After a bunch of us went back, rented I Love You Man at blockbuster and watched it at my "home theatre" that is my dorm room hah. After we stayed up till 3:45 jamming to my guitar, being stupid, singing really loud, and watching hilarious youtube videos. One of the best nights I had thus far...

Slept in through my alarm for the 3rd day in a row.....you may think that this would be a bad thing but for me, this is huge.... For about 2 years, I've been going through sleeping problems--insomnia and narcolepsy-- and also this weird pattern where I would wake up at 645 regardless of when I fall asleep. So if I go to bed at 3AM, I'd still wake up about 4 hours later, without fail, without my alarm, and I won't be able to go back to sleep no matter how much I try....So essentially its been 2-3 years since I've slept in.

But the last few days, I've slept more than 6 hours, and woke up at around 8 or 9 which is amazing. I'm becoming normal again!

But there is something deeper and more exciting about all this. For the last few years, I have been battling depression and anxiety, and my psychiatrist connected my insomnia to that fact. But recently, I feel as though I have had a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know if its because I'm trusting God more with my life, or I am more satisfied with how things are going with my friendships, or that I'm just generally much happier with life these days..... I'm not too sure... but I'm almost certain this depression is slowly going away. And that's huge.

It may be that I'm battling my problems and issues directly, by talking with people instead of hiding my problems, which is new for me. Maybe its because I'm praying a bit more about my problems and asking God to intercede in my life. Whatever it is, I praise God for helping me through this.

It's a brand new day
The Sun is Shinging
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In a long long time
I know, I'll be okay

Sinner In Disguise: Behind the Name[updated]

So you're probably wondering where this name came from? Well I give all the credit to Dan, one of my best friends, who came up with the phrase while we were writing a song for skit night at our annual fall retreat for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. We planned to do an interesting performance of Evanescence's "Bring Me to Life" for laughs, but Dan thought that it would be better to go deep and do something serious for the retreat, which ended up being the best thing for us. I wrote the song lyrics and he wrote the poem/rap.

What I love about this song is that is really speaks to all of us, as we find ourselves in many of the lyrics and the words. Many Christians, or generally people for that matter, put up this front that everything is going well in their lives, or that they are model Christians.... but the truth is that we are all hurting and struggling in some way, imperfect and sinning.  One minute we're helping out at youth group, and the next we're getting drunk with the youth group leader at a party later that night. We all have fears and we all go through trials and tribulations, but we often hide these behind "false grins" and "I'm okay's.  We're human=we're imperfect, so why hide from our imperfection? We need to let them all out, let others know that we are just like them, except that we then find our hope in God who provides an answer for our struggling lives.

       So the song goes through the different steps of someone realizing his/her sin, realizing his/her fallenness, realizing that he/needs God, and then asking for that grace and forgiveness. It essentially is a story of how, I and many other Christians, came to Christ: by acknowledging one's sin, and need for forgiveness, and asking God to captivate that. I invite you to read the words to this song and ask God for that  grace and love for your life.

Enjoy

"Sinner in Disguise"
Song by Marc Paulo Guzman, Rap by Daniel Schroeder

Rap:
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hollowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
Everytime I say the same
I recite these words, no thought occurs
My mind is blank, my vision blurred
I repeat the rhymes, line for line
Every week, a dozen times
Before I work, eat, or play
I bow my head and start to pray.
But why?
Why do I chant these monotonous wordss
Without knowing what they mean?
Falling for the devil's plot, Lucifer's evil scheme
How can I let thy will be done, thout even joining his team?
The sidelines I reside, I criticize and foster lies
To my demise, I subscribe to late night shows they televise.
To deceive your eyes, I memorize all the verses that you prescribe.
All this time, I mask my crime.
I'm a sinner in disguse.

Chorus:

Trying so hard to be

Someone who isn’t me

Wearing my Sunday’s best

I look like all the rest

But underneath this grin

Is all this hidden sin

Look past these hazel eyes

I’m just a sinner in disguise

Verse 1:

From my lips pour empty praise

Yet call to God to bless my days

You say do not be of this World

But still I stare at passing girls

And I use pleasure to fix pain

And always use God’s name in vain

God please just help me realize

That I’m a sinner in disguise

Rap 2:
Sunday morning, half past ten, overslept, hungover again
I lie in bed, can't get up, spent all night throwing up
Upon my shoulders, rests a yolk of guilt and shame
Guilt from knowing of my wrong
and share from doing it anyway
Every weekend is always the same
Help at the church all day long
Drink and party the night away
I front the facade of a 7-day christian
Attempting to cover my one day mission
Sunday, I dress my best and assume my position
I sit in the front row to embrace my superstition
I reassure myself that sitting closer to the pastor
Will somehow absolve me of a night of disaster
Enticed by the devils pendulum of sin, I've been hypnotized
From keystone light, my true identity gives rise
I sit there silently, but within I cry
Lord, I need your help, I'm a sinner in disguise. 

Verse 2:

Lord Save me from what I’ve become

I’m living like my faith is numb

My life is just some living lie

I need to change before I die

Turn me around, I’m not okay

I need your love and grace today

I finally just realized

That I’m a sinner in disguise.

Bridge:

There is hope in your promises

Hope in your songs

I need to admit what I’m doing’s all wrong

And ask for forgiveness from sin im enslaved

I know that my life is in need to be saved.

Take me as you find me.... all my fears and failures

First legit blog in about 4 years.....this is exciting to get this started up again. Such an upgrade from Xanga :O !

So senior year.....cant believe its here...and I'm the most scared I've been in my entire life.
Here's my deal.... I'm become so comfortable here... with my friends, my dorm, the meal plan, the amazing times I've had, the classes, the hanging out, the random trips to the beach, park---late night talking about our lives, laughing till our tummies ache....by graduating, I will be giving up all this.....

My friends are all younger than me, so essentially, while I'm living in the real world, they're still having a grand old time.

But here's the catch... I say all the time how I trust God with my life, and yet I worry and fear for this new chapter in my life. College is something I'm not willling to let go of....leaving really scares me and sometimes takes up all of my life. Living in fear is not a good thing, and that's why God is there to provide us hope for the future.... but why don't I believe that?

Here's where I need growth; I want to have the kind of faith that can move mountains. I want to believe that I will be alright and that when I leave this place, I will find myself somewhere I can be just as happy or even more so, that way I don't have to dwell in the past and hope Im back here in UD.

For those of you who are underclassmen and jsut started college: Live it up. It'll go by faster than you think...... and poof, you have your graduation gown on, and your diploma in one hand.... and your future in the other......

In closing, I want to leave you with one of my favorite lines of my favorite song ever:

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Filll my life again