The last few days have been....very.... I don't how to say this, but "laissez-faire" and I've been pretty much going solo... and I'm not complaining about it or anything, in fact I think I'm okay with it.... Gasp.... I know right? Aside from shopping with Nicole for a couple of hours and going to get dinner and watch Avatar with the crew, Ive been just chillin alone since I got here Sat. I guess Im trying to get myself ready for the Winter Session ahead.... where i'll be pretty much alone for 7 weeks... seeing friends like at nights or weekends but busy with work, class, internship, and teaching guard....hopefully I'll fit some hang out time in there.... but it seems dismal.
It hasn't really hit me yet that I'll be gone from my friends for 7 weeks or that I'll be limited to about 3 hours a week to hanging with them. Maybe its because I'll be going to Urbana with Dan and Lauren and other good friends in 2 days(thats a whole 'nother blog... I'm pretty excited), and thats for 5 days and the notion of that is taking the focus away from winter session. But I'm a social person and I thrive off of interaction and I'm thinking this is another way of God "giving and taking away". Maybe its another way of saying 'I will give you good things and sometimes I have to take it away because you start to rely on them rather than relying on me'... I don't know but maybe I'll truly know how it is when I start in about a week and a half--and then I'll let you know.
But while I was running my errands and going to the gym, I was listening to the Christian radio station (corny I know, but I guess I needed my fix), and listening to a little segment about how God was working in people. This 12 year old kid who was a social introvert and who had panic attacks at school because of all the people had been changed by God. He was doing a project about the underground railroad and he became passionate about slavery and injustice. He then realized that today there were many more slaves in the world than back in the days of antebellum slavery so he decided to try and raise money to fight slavery in this world. He called it "Loose Change for Loosening Chains"....and he was invited to go to a huge Christian music festival and speak in front of the crowds...as he got up to the podium he started to have a panic attack and told his mom "I cant do this" and his mom said "You don't have to." And then he thought.. "Slavery is such an important thing and this cause is important and if I dont say anything then who will?"...and slowly he realized what he had to do. He got to the podium and God met him at the microphone, took away all his fears and allowed God to work in him up there....Since then, his passion for God and getting rid of injustice has taken his fear of public speaking away from him.
I was really touched by this..... how something "bigger than fear" allowed for him to conquer fear.... he realized that this cause--this endeavor to get rid of slavery--was bigger than his fear of public speaking and so he let God take control and conquer that fear. Well we all have many fears in this world, whether it be public speaking, or being alone, or being ostracized, or being different or being hated, or (fill in your own fears).... but God is bigger than those fears and God will meet you at your darkest points or the places where you've come to fear the most and conquer them.... only if you know he is bigger and you know that with his help, you are bigger than your fear.
I just thought that I would share that with you as I am struggling with fears of my own...fear of my future, fear of being alone, fear of not succeeding....Im not saying I truly have conquered these fears but this is where I need to believe that God is bigger and stronger and that with his help I too can be... I pray that this New Year, I could become bigger and stronger than my fears, to realize that God has me and that I can go on with life with my head held high and not "hoping" for the best but "knowing" its for the best.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4 New International Version Bible
The LORD is my light and my salvation
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1 New International Version Bible
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