So I spent today HOUSE HUNTING because I didnt have any classes and pretty much napped all day(good times). Im getting somewhat excited about this housing situation for next year as I'll be living with my best friends and hopefully with a dog or cat(or both). I contacted a bunch of landlords and got in touch with them. It's definitely make me feel older, not to mention the mustache/beard I've developed from not shaving for the last 3 weeks(due to the Phillies Shaveless Playoffs). Speaking of the Phillies, did anyone see that crazy game last night?! Anyways, I hope to check out these houses in the next few days so I can apply for one soon.
So things have been crazy lately. Life has just been different the last two weeks with friendships and such--and its definitely amazing, I must say, but definitely different and crazy at the same time. I'll just leave it at that. Nicole, one of my best friends from home, came to visit this weekend and got to meet Dan and all my other good friends from here, so that was great to see my old friends and new friends intermingle. I definitely need to have that happen more soon. But things are going well with friends stuff--of course it is without some kind of drama, but what is life with out such things! We're living and learning each day, and thats what counts I guess.
This sleeping in thing is new to me and I like it. Dan, Katie K and I hung out in the lounge till 6Am this morning when we shoulda been studying hah. But we had lots of Caffeine and little sleep, so thats definitely a recipe for disaster. Thank goodness I didnt have class today so I slept in.
I just hope this ability to sleep isnt temporary. Its definitely a sign that Im getting better with things in life and I'm hopefully leaving my depression state.. its a good feeling!
Marc
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
And for the first time, I know, I'll be okay
Last night was amazing. We had InterVarsity Large Group on wednesday because of UD's fall break(AKA just another 3 day weekend) this upcoming Friday. It was great because I got to see lots of my friends that I hung out with during the retreat this past weekend. After a bunch of us went back, rented I Love You Man at blockbuster and watched it at my "home theatre" that is my dorm room hah. After we stayed up till 3:45 jamming to my guitar, being stupid, singing really loud, and watching hilarious youtube videos. One of the best nights I had thus far...
Slept in through my alarm for the 3rd day in a row.....you may think that this would be a bad thing but for me, this is huge.... For about 2 years, I've been going through sleeping problems--insomnia and narcolepsy-- and also this weird pattern where I would wake up at 645 regardless of when I fall asleep. So if I go to bed at 3AM, I'd still wake up about 4 hours later, without fail, without my alarm, and I won't be able to go back to sleep no matter how much I try....So essentially its been 2-3 years since I've slept in.
But the last few days, I've slept more than 6 hours, and woke up at around 8 or 9 which is amazing. I'm becoming normal again!
But there is something deeper and more exciting about all this. For the last few years, I have been battling depression and anxiety, and my psychiatrist connected my insomnia to that fact. But recently, I feel as though I have had a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know if its because I'm trusting God more with my life, or I am more satisfied with how things are going with my friendships, or that I'm just generally much happier with life these days..... I'm not too sure... but I'm almost certain this depression is slowly going away. And that's huge.
It may be that I'm battling my problems and issues directly, by talking with people instead of hiding my problems, which is new for me. Maybe its because I'm praying a bit more about my problems and asking God to intercede in my life. Whatever it is, I praise God for helping me through this.
It's a brand new day
The Sun is Shinging
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In a long long time
I know, I'll be okay
Slept in through my alarm for the 3rd day in a row.....you may think that this would be a bad thing but for me, this is huge.... For about 2 years, I've been going through sleeping problems--insomnia and narcolepsy-- and also this weird pattern where I would wake up at 645 regardless of when I fall asleep. So if I go to bed at 3AM, I'd still wake up about 4 hours later, without fail, without my alarm, and I won't be able to go back to sleep no matter how much I try....So essentially its been 2-3 years since I've slept in.
But the last few days, I've slept more than 6 hours, and woke up at around 8 or 9 which is amazing. I'm becoming normal again!
But there is something deeper and more exciting about all this. For the last few years, I have been battling depression and anxiety, and my psychiatrist connected my insomnia to that fact. But recently, I feel as though I have had a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know if its because I'm trusting God more with my life, or I am more satisfied with how things are going with my friendships, or that I'm just generally much happier with life these days..... I'm not too sure... but I'm almost certain this depression is slowly going away. And that's huge.
It may be that I'm battling my problems and issues directly, by talking with people instead of hiding my problems, which is new for me. Maybe its because I'm praying a bit more about my problems and asking God to intercede in my life. Whatever it is, I praise God for helping me through this.
It's a brand new day
The Sun is Shinging
It's a brand new day
For the first time
In a long long time
I know, I'll be okay
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sinner In Disguise: Behind the Name[updated]
So you're probably wondering where this name came from? Well I give all the credit to Dan, one of my best friends, who came up with the phrase while we were writing a song for skit night at our annual fall retreat for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. We planned to do an interesting performance of Evanescence's "Bring Me to Life" for laughs, but Dan thought that it would be better to go deep and do something serious for the retreat, which ended up being the best thing for us. I wrote the song lyrics and he wrote the poem/rap.
What I love about this song is that is really speaks to all of us, as we find ourselves in many of the lyrics and the words. Many Christians, or generally people for that matter, put up this front that everything is going well in their lives, or that they are model Christians.... but the truth is that we are all hurting and struggling in some way, imperfect and sinning. One minute we're helping out at youth group, and the next we're getting drunk with the youth group leader at a party later that night. We all have fears and we all go through trials and tribulations, but we often hide these behind "false grins" and "I'm okay's. We're human=we're imperfect, so why hide from our imperfection? We need to let them all out, let others know that we are just like them, except that we then find our hope in God who provides an answer for our struggling lives.
So the song goes through the different steps of someone realizing his/her sin, realizing his/her fallenness, realizing that he/needs God, and then asking for that grace and forgiveness. It essentially is a story of how, I and many other Christians, came to Christ: by acknowledging one's sin, and need for forgiveness, and asking God to captivate that. I invite you to read the words to this song and ask God for that grace and love for your life.
Enjoy
"Sinner in Disguise"
Song by Marc Paulo Guzman, Rap by Daniel Schroeder
Rap:
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hollowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
Everytime I say the same
I recite these words, no thought occurs
My mind is blank, my vision blurred
I repeat the rhymes, line for line
Every week, a dozen times
Before I work, eat, or play
I bow my head and start to pray.
But why?
Why do I chant these monotonous wordss
Without knowing what they mean?
Falling for the devil's plot, Lucifer's evil scheme
How can I let thy will be done, thout even joining his team?
The sidelines I reside, I criticize and foster lies
To my demise, I subscribe to late night shows they televise.
To deceive your eyes, I memorize all the verses that you prescribe.
All this time, I mask my crime.
I'm a sinner in disguse.
Rap 2:
Sunday morning, half past ten, overslept, hungover again
I lie in bed, can't get up, spent all night throwing up
Upon my shoulders, rests a yolk of guilt and shame
Guilt from knowing of my wrong
and share from doing it anyway
Every weekend is always the same
Help at the church all day long
Drink and party the night away
I front the facade of a 7-day christian
Attempting to cover my one day mission
Sunday, I dress my best and assume my position
I sit in the front row to embrace my superstition
I reassure myself that sitting closer to the pastor
Will somehow absolve me of a night of disaster
Enticed by the devils pendulum of sin, I've been hypnotized
From keystone light, my true identity gives rise
I sit there silently, but within I cry
Lord, I need your help, I'm a sinner in disguise.
What I love about this song is that is really speaks to all of us, as we find ourselves in many of the lyrics and the words. Many Christians, or generally people for that matter, put up this front that everything is going well in their lives, or that they are model Christians.... but the truth is that we are all hurting and struggling in some way, imperfect and sinning. One minute we're helping out at youth group, and the next we're getting drunk with the youth group leader at a party later that night. We all have fears and we all go through trials and tribulations, but we often hide these behind "false grins" and "I'm okay's. We're human=we're imperfect, so why hide from our imperfection? We need to let them all out, let others know that we are just like them, except that we then find our hope in God who provides an answer for our struggling lives.
So the song goes through the different steps of someone realizing his/her sin, realizing his/her fallenness, realizing that he/needs God, and then asking for that grace and forgiveness. It essentially is a story of how, I and many other Christians, came to Christ: by acknowledging one's sin, and need for forgiveness, and asking God to captivate that. I invite you to read the words to this song and ask God for that grace and love for your life.
Enjoy
"Sinner in Disguise"
Song by Marc Paulo Guzman, Rap by Daniel Schroeder
Rap:
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hollowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
Everytime I say the same
I recite these words, no thought occurs
My mind is blank, my vision blurred
I repeat the rhymes, line for line
Every week, a dozen times
Before I work, eat, or play
I bow my head and start to pray.
But why?
Why do I chant these monotonous wordss
Without knowing what they mean?
Falling for the devil's plot, Lucifer's evil scheme
How can I let thy will be done, thout even joining his team?
The sidelines I reside, I criticize and foster lies
To my demise, I subscribe to late night shows they televise.
To deceive your eyes, I memorize all the verses that you prescribe.
All this time, I mask my crime.
I'm a sinner in disguse.
Chorus:
Trying so hard to be
Someone who isn’t me
Wearing my Sunday’s best
I look like all the rest
But underneath this grin
Is all this hidden sin
Look past these hazel eyes
I’m just a sinner in disguise
Verse 1:
From my lips pour empty praise
Yet call to God to bless my days
You say do not be of this World
But still I stare at passing girls
And I use pleasure to fix pain
And always use God’s name in vain
God please just help me realize
That I’m a sinner in disguise
Rap 2:
Sunday morning, half past ten, overslept, hungover again
I lie in bed, can't get up, spent all night throwing up
Upon my shoulders, rests a yolk of guilt and shame
Guilt from knowing of my wrong
and share from doing it anyway
Every weekend is always the same
Help at the church all day long
Drink and party the night away
I front the facade of a 7-day christian
Attempting to cover my one day mission
Sunday, I dress my best and assume my position
I sit in the front row to embrace my superstition
I reassure myself that sitting closer to the pastor
Will somehow absolve me of a night of disaster
Enticed by the devils pendulum of sin, I've been hypnotized
From keystone light, my true identity gives rise
I sit there silently, but within I cry
Lord, I need your help, I'm a sinner in disguise.
Verse 2:
Lord Save me from what I’ve become
I’m living like my faith is numb
My life is just some living lie
I need to change before I die
Turn me around, I’m not okay
I need your love and grace today
I finally just realized
That I’m a sinner in disguise.
Bridge:
There is hope in your promises
Hope in your songs
I need to admit what I’m doing’s all wrong
And ask for forgiveness from sin im enslaved
I know that my life is in need to be saved.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Take me as you find me.... all my fears and failures
First legit blog in about 4 years.....this is exciting to get this started up again. Such an upgrade from Xanga :O !
So senior year.....cant believe its here...and I'm the most scared I've been in my entire life.
Here's my deal.... I'm become so comfortable here... with my friends, my dorm, the meal plan, the amazing times I've had, the classes, the hanging out, the random trips to the beach, park---late night talking about our lives, laughing till our tummies ache....by graduating, I will be giving up all this.....
My friends are all younger than me, so essentially, while I'm living in the real world, they're still having a grand old time.
But here's the catch... I say all the time how I trust God with my life, and yet I worry and fear for this new chapter in my life. College is something I'm not willling to let go of....leaving really scares me and sometimes takes up all of my life. Living in fear is not a good thing, and that's why God is there to provide us hope for the future.... but why don't I believe that?
Here's where I need growth; I want to have the kind of faith that can move mountains. I want to believe that I will be alright and that when I leave this place, I will find myself somewhere I can be just as happy or even more so, that way I don't have to dwell in the past and hope Im back here in UD.
For those of you who are underclassmen and jsut started college: Live it up. It'll go by faster than you think...... and poof, you have your graduation gown on, and your diploma in one hand.... and your future in the other......
In closing, I want to leave you with one of my favorite lines of my favorite song ever:
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Filll my life again
So senior year.....cant believe its here...and I'm the most scared I've been in my entire life.
Here's my deal.... I'm become so comfortable here... with my friends, my dorm, the meal plan, the amazing times I've had, the classes, the hanging out, the random trips to the beach, park---late night talking about our lives, laughing till our tummies ache....by graduating, I will be giving up all this.....
My friends are all younger than me, so essentially, while I'm living in the real world, they're still having a grand old time.
But here's the catch... I say all the time how I trust God with my life, and yet I worry and fear for this new chapter in my life. College is something I'm not willling to let go of....leaving really scares me and sometimes takes up all of my life. Living in fear is not a good thing, and that's why God is there to provide us hope for the future.... but why don't I believe that?
Here's where I need growth; I want to have the kind of faith that can move mountains. I want to believe that I will be alright and that when I leave this place, I will find myself somewhere I can be just as happy or even more so, that way I don't have to dwell in the past and hope Im back here in UD.
For those of you who are underclassmen and jsut started college: Live it up. It'll go by faster than you think...... and poof, you have your graduation gown on, and your diploma in one hand.... and your future in the other......
In closing, I want to leave you with one of my favorite lines of my favorite song ever:
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Filll my life again
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