[sleep in heavenly peace]

Christmas Eve Day(weird I know)....

I had a rather uneventful day during the Night Before Christmas...did some last minute shopping, deposited my check, and got myself some coffee so I could sip while sitting in holiday traffic and think....and think...and think

I thought to myself...it doesn't "feel" like Christmas....I don't know if its because of the lack of presents under the tree, or the lack of parties or family get togethers we'd be having, or if I just wasn't in the mood...

When I got home, it didnt "feel" at all like Christmas. Mom just got home from work, No food was cooking because we resorted to ordering Chinese food, and no cookies baking in the oven... and Bella pee'd on the wrong towel again, so I accidentally stepped in it, and the dishes weren't done so Mom was complaining, and etc... felt like every other day. The Christmas tree wasn't lit and the house was silent...no Christmas music...have I, and my family, become immune to the Christmas spirit?

As I got ready to go to Christmas church service alone(like every year), I thought to myself "Everyone's going to be staring at me because everyone brought their families and I came alone" and  what would I say if they ask what I'm doing next year because I graduate in may? or what would I say if they ask if I have a girlfriend? I feel like I'd be lying or saying "things are alright" when things aren't...I definitely wasn't in the mood and I really wasn't having it.

The Christmas music was....rather traditional(Bleh), and there were wrong notes flying around, and me being the musical snob I am, twitched and winced at every off-key and dissonant sound played... this just wasn't my day..

It was Pastor Bill's message that made me really think though, that I had made Christmas(once again) about how I felt and rather what the true message of Christmas was. He dedicated his message to the idea of Christ coming to bring heavenly "paz" or Peace to this world. Pastor Bill distinguished Earthly peace, which is the peace and happiness and satisfaction that the world provides for us, versus the Heavenly  "true " peace that God provides for us. God was brought down in human form to live with us and take on our sins and die as a sacrifice for those sins in order that we may experience true peace... That when we are troubled, confused, angry, scared, alone, depressed, anxious, fearful, and struggling, we can realize that the battle has been paid and that God has done the difficult work in order to provide us with peace in our hearts, knowing that "It has been done". He mentioned that in "Silent Night" it mentions "sleep in heavenly peace" which really refers to the peace God provided for us when he brought Jesus down, as we now have heavenly peace...

I had never been so at peace with life, with the world and with my self, knowing that the true spirit of Christmas was that Jesus came down on Earth to provide peace to all men. And while I have heard this so many years and in so many ways--"Dona Nobis Pacem" etc, I really understood what peace means as I too am struggling with many of these fears and anxiety and struggles... I needed to be reminded of the significance of Jesus coming down from Heaven in human form--which was to provide us peace....

I hope that you all can understand this true Peace that God has provided for us this Christmas and for the last 2009 years... and feel at peace...

Merry Christmas!

[bigger than fear]

The last few days have been....very.... I don't how to say this, but "laissez-faire" and I've been pretty much going solo... and I'm not complaining about it or anything, in fact I think I'm okay with it.... Gasp.... I know right? Aside from shopping with Nicole for a couple of hours and going to get dinner and watch Avatar with the crew, Ive been just chillin alone since I got here Sat.  I guess Im trying to get myself ready for the Winter Session ahead.... where i'll be pretty much alone for 7 weeks... seeing friends like at nights or weekends but busy with work, class, internship, and teaching guard....hopefully I'll fit some hang out time in there.... but it seems dismal.

It hasn't really hit me yet that I'll be gone from my friends for 7 weeks or that I'll be limited to about 3 hours a week to hanging with them. Maybe its because I'll be going to Urbana with Dan and Lauren and other good friends in 2 days(thats a whole 'nother blog... I'm pretty excited), and thats for 5 days and the notion of that is taking the focus away from winter session. But I'm a social person and I thrive off of interaction and I'm thinking this is another way of God  "giving and taking away". Maybe its another way of saying 'I will give you good things and sometimes I have to take it away because you start to rely on them rather than relying on me'... I don't know but maybe I'll truly know how it is when I start in about a week and a half--and then I'll let you know.

But while I was running my errands and going to the gym, I was listening to the Christian radio station (corny I know, but I guess I needed my fix), and listening to a little segment about how God was working in people. This 12  year old kid who was a social introvert and who had panic attacks at school because of all the people had been changed by God. He was doing a project about the underground railroad and he became passionate about slavery and injustice. He then realized that today there were many more slaves in the world than back in the days of antebellum slavery so he decided to try and raise money to fight slavery in this world. He called it "Loose Change for Loosening Chains"....and he was invited to go to a huge Christian music festival and speak in front of the crowds...as he got up to the podium he started to have a panic attack and told his mom "I cant do this" and his mom said "You don't have to." And then he thought.. "Slavery is such an important thing  and this cause is important and if I dont say anything then who will?"...and slowly he realized what he had to do. He got to the podium and God met him at the microphone, took away all his fears and allowed God to work in him up there....Since then, his passion for God and getting rid of injustice has taken his fear of public speaking away from him.

I was really touched by this..... how something "bigger than fear" allowed for him to conquer fear.... he realized that this cause--this endeavor to get rid of slavery--was bigger than his fear of public speaking and so he let God take control and conquer that fear. Well we all have many fears in this world, whether it be public speaking, or being alone, or being ostracized, or being different or being hated, or (fill in your own fears).... but God is bigger than those fears and God will meet you at your darkest points or the places where you've come to fear the most and conquer them....  only if you know he is bigger and you know that with his help, you are bigger than your fear.

I just thought that I would share that with you as I am struggling with fears of my own...fear of my future, fear of being alone, fear of not succeeding....Im not saying I truly have conquered these fears but this is where I need to believe that God is bigger and stronger and that with his help I too can be... I pray that this New Year, I could become bigger and stronger than my fears, to realize that God has me and that I can go on with life with my head held high and not "hoping" for the best but "knowing" its for the best.


Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4 New International Version Bible

---

The LORD is my light and my salvation
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1 New International Version Bible

[thinking some more]

"Wherever the soul turns, unless it turns to YOU [God], it clings to sorrow itself. World is filled with beautfiul creations. So even tho it clings to things of beauty, if their beauty is outside God, it only clings to sorrow."

a lot has happened since my last post--school's over for the semester and the last few days were interesting to say the least...I don't know how some stuff happened, but they just did... and there's no turning back i guess

I swear, Dan and I were the last kids on campus--after rolling out and saying our goodbyes, we headed over to the mall with our friends, decided to stay over despite the crazy blizzard coming, and to wake up with about 5 inches of snow(at least) on the ground...the drive to Philly was definitely a 3 hour sleigh ride and I wouldn't do it again for the life of me... although it did give me time to think, reflect of this crazy semester, pray, and see where I needed forgiveness ...it was then I decided I needed a change in my life...

dropped dan off, drove to a snowless nj, only to relive the entire blizzard all over again--since then I've slept prior to 11 each night(with the exception of tonight) and woke up at 9AM-the most sleep ive gotten in years.. and was able to shop and catch up with friends

but with all of my time relaxing and thinking to my self, I've realized that whatever temporary pleasure this world has to offer me... the beauty of this world, the people, and places, and the things... it is nothing compared to the love and forgiveness that God has provided and for the Heaven that God has in store for us...and that I need to realize these things before I become tempted to the things of this world and to fulfill my Earthly desires...

if only I had thought about this last week....if only..

[taking some time to think]

every body makes mistakes....
some worse than others...
I just thought I wasn't gonna ever make any mistakes in the "worse" category
I thought I wasn't like any of "those" people who did "those" things...
I held a sense of pride in my "purity"...
So now that those mistakes happened what now?
Am I tainted? Am I unforgivable?

I ran away from my room last night trying to find some time alone to cry and think, but thankfully a friend came by and told me to come back and stay over to talk and rest... I needed that. I definitely needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay, that I needed prayer, forgiveness, and to change...

Because there is "Now no condemnation in those who are in Jesus Christ."--Romans 8:1....despite the mistakes I do and feel guilt for.... the battle is already won...and I am forgiven.

I don't know how much I can truly forgive myself, but falling short of it means I don't fully trust God in his forgiveness for me. But I need to really think and pray about what I did, and see how far from perfect I am from God, and ask God to bring me back to him...because what I did in my eyes is Far from forgivable.

And for you who helped me, not trying to call you out, so I wont say names, and I know that its weird to say this to you in person....But just want to thank you for helping me out, you know who you are...I don't know what I would do without a friend like you. Thank you for not judging me, for taking me in, and for still being my friend whenever I didn't deserve your friendship. I thank God for you every day... I really don't know where I would be right now without your support and help. I know my cry for help came at a bad time with finals and such... but you made time to help me out.

Thank you... i'll write more later....

Just thinking

[things aren't the way they should be]

these last few days...
I dont even know whats going on....

All I know is that I feel a new person has taken over me, and its not for the better... I've been giving in to temptation and sin and doing things purely for my own pleasure...As a result I almost lost my job and my only source of money to pay for the huge debt I've incurred from my irresponsible spending habits. I've been going through internal struggles of doing right from wrong, and self control in many aspects of my life....Satan is just bogging me down with trial and temptation, one after the other....and in many times I've failed and given up.....And that is what I feel most guilty of.

I really don't know where this new Marc came from and why he's plagued someone who used to have good morals, a good sense of self control, and one who did not give in to temptation so easily... I need You to bring me back to where I belong...

Lord, just be with me during this hard time, to be my stronghold when I am weak and tempted. Lord, help me realize that you are all I need, not any of these worldly pleasures to satisfy me....so that I do not give in to worldly temptation in order to look for temporary happiness. I feel lost and confused, trampled and pushed--give me your fire to seek you in every part of my life, that I may do things in your name as a result of your eternal gift of salvation.

I need you...